eclipse of my life

*pays the puppy face cashier* ...... and there goes my happiness. Like everyone says: money is evil. You know what I feel right now. 'Life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you will get =)' . I destest it =.=... Me ,going to National Service has totally change my perspective towards life. Of course, now I tend to laugh more. But seriously ,what's the point. what is the whole use of all this crap. laughing doesn't change your life..It's useless. I began to feel hopeless. I'm even begining to feel like I'm this saddist who is also a lonist .wow. It all came in a pakage , I think. What for laughing so much when you know that your life is in jeopardy . what for receiving so much praises when you know that you could have done better in your past life. To some people, laughing may be a good cure for emotional outburst , but do you know that somehow,somewhat in sometime that sooner or later the smile will go off. and soon. you will return back to darkness. a total darkness that will keep your brain stiff .no movement at all. nothing.nada. I'm literally running out of time. In just a glimpse. I then realize that I'm standing in a middle of 2 different path . ohgod. the so-called-road-not-taken. I guess poetry can be so oh-so-meaningful afterall. I don't wan to be that oldman, okay..now what's the different between oldman and old lady . It's pathetic. Sometimes I just wonder how to describe my present situation. Is it so complicated that nobody can come up with a solution to my predicament? Why? WHY? I began to seek god in desperation. till now, no answer. Everyone is asking me to breathe,take my time,just think,make it clear,clear my mind. guess what,None of these above is helping . However, I am uncertain of my situation. Everyone seem calm. WHY??? A Big Big WHY well, you are now witnessing the luck of a middle child . So I have two option. That's the big question . Should I sell of my soul to dearest beloved form6 aka stpm ? I will have goosebumps everytime when I say form6 But then , the name form6 is very grand. People will glance at you and start to look at you differently. I even fear that one that I'll have nightmare about it. It's giving me the creeps >.<" Dearest friend told me that stpm is a 50%50% success. It's like those game. neh The 50% scroll in MapleStory (if you know what I mean) .Once fail, you will have basically nothing. wow. And you will end up whining about how and what you would have done in those past 2 years etc. And when you know that your friends are half-way through their diploma programmes or picking up a degree .that's pure peer pressure. I can go loco just by hearing the sound of that . How terrifying it could be ;O And it it called as 'The Challenge of 2 years' . I just wanna like.. save abit of my father's money . Partly because he deserve a holiday getaway . and partly because I feel disgusted of myself for using so much of his money -.- So yeah. And trust me, I have been doing lots of research lately that I can even declare myself as a google pro (or not! xD) Foundation + Bachelor Business studies :

• segi 49k++ (entitiled 3.5k rebate)


• inti 67k++


• sunway 80k++ (2k entrance scholarship)


• Taylor 93k++


• Monash 119k++ (MUFY 2k entrance scholarship,OKAYYYY)

And I am still clueless on why taylor's journalism is so cheap @____@ Something is so wrong Others like TarC or Utar is just too far . So I can kiss goodbye to those two. Those 2k is just because of my so called proudest 7A's. (what? proudest? I could have 8 for god's sake. 8888888 ..8 is a lucky number =_=) Seriously. MORAL??? My moral get A most of the time T.T This is really saddening because apparently 7 and 8 makes SO MUCH DIFFERENCE that I can just scream each time I'm reminded to it . ISHH So Close Yet So Far Anyway, It's still my proudest . I mean, hey, I was holding a tissue paper and constantly blowing my nose (I sensed pity from the teachers who was monitoring us) while sitting for that deadly exam.And I still manage to juggle all up. That was pretty awesome. Not to mention, thank god for my A and at least a B3 (I know, wth rite) in my English language bacause that was really the worst essay I had even written for the past 2 years , I am not joking.I don't even know what on earth I was writing. And there wasn't any satisfaction at all,instead I was traumatized. I dont know , it's just that each time when I finish my essay ,there's just this satisfactory that runs through my somewhat soul ..This might sound exaggerating ,I know. So now, I'm still on this chair .waiting for an answer from god. Please give me a sign or something